Right now, I'm mixed up wif all sorts of emotions. But then, I feel like I'm losing my emotions at the same time. All the bad memories tat I've ever had came flashing back to me. I have to say tat I'm a very sensitive person, though u all might not be aware of it. Even a short sentence or remark can make me feel sad, not to mention HURT. However, I'll try not to show any sarcacism or fight bec bcos I dun wanna hurt anybody in return. So, I'll just keep everything to myself.
Days after days, years after years, I'm confining myself more n more. I've built up a high wall ard myself, where I can't simply trust anybody. Being betrayed by a fren ONCE is enuff for me to just trust any1, especially those tat I've just met. There're times tat I've managed to break the wall, thinking tat there's no use even if I do tis. However, whenever I'm hurt, I'll build up the wall ard myself again, oni each time it's even higher than b4.
After I've come to KL, I realise tat I've changed. Maybe it's bcos of the ppl tat I've met here? Maybe bcos my ji muiz have changed? Or maybe bcos I've learnt my lessons being exposed to tis harsh world? There's no definite answer for this. I myself oso dunno abt it.
Thinking bec, I feel like 1 of my ji muiz' attitude towards me changed bcos of an incident. It was almost CNY at tat time. Both of my close ji muiz r thinking of holding a CNY gathering bcos they really wan 2 meet up wif other frens. I'm not looking forward to it bcos I'm not very close wif the others anyway. But seeing the 2's eager face makes me wanna help them. So, I've opened my stupid mouth n offer my plc for them to hold the gathering. They exclaimed happily n thank me for tat. Ooooh, I'm very glad tat they're smiling now.
However, wat happen was tat.. On the exact day of the gathering, not oni they reached my hse late, but they've oso brought bad news. 1 of them said tat she will have to leave for a couple of hours n return to my plc when she's done. Then, another arrived n said tat she, too, will have to leave for a while. I'm like.. BLANK. Wat am I supposed to do wif all the guests? I barely know them, except for their names. I admit, I'm not as popular as the 2, but I'm holding tis gathering for both of them. Y can't they tell me earlier so tat I can postpone the gathering to another day where we can truly enjoy ourselves? During tat time, they've just put 2 knives rite thru my heart. I'm bleeding profusely, but I din tell both of them. All I can do is show my sulky n unhappy face. Screw it, I dun care wat they'll think anymore. I'm too HURT to think of the consequences.
When both of them leave, another 2 of my ji muiz, Snowy and Octopy, abandoned me there as well, rite at my own hse. I felt helpless n alone, none of my ji muiz r wif me. Not to mention tat some of the guests even asked me abt my parents. They're wondering y my parents r not there when I'm holding an open hse? YYYYEEEESSSS!!! They've just added several fresh wounds to my heart, making me feeling even more down n sad. Wanna noe y? Bcos my dad simply love his money more than his family. Even during CNY, he insisted on opening the shop bcos he simply cannot let go of all those bloody MONEY!! I noe tat he's earning money for the sake of his family, but can't he just take a few days off to be wif us? Sigh... Nevertheless, I still love him. He's my dad afterall.
My mom, my beloved mom, is already suffering enuff as she is. She have to manage the business and take care of the family, as well as facing other problems, such as health. Tat's y eventhough she call me each nite when I'm at KL, I won't say tat she's bothering me or wat bcos she, just like me, r feeling lonely. She just needed sum1 to be there for her, to talk to her n to share all her problems. She, on the other hand, r doing her part as my mom, the one tat I can truly trust wif my problems, the one tat is blood-related to me and will never betray me. If not bcos of my mom, I dun even wan to go bec home. I dun want to be reminded of all those ugly memories I had there.
From tat incident, I start to feel the distance between me n my ji muiz. Oh wait, did I tell u all tat I've oso failed 1 mid-term paper bcos of 1 of them? Ahh, nvm... All I noe is tat I feel like I've wasted a lot of time n effort for them n yet, they din even show the same concern towards me.
Different ppl will have different point of view. I myself will have my own problems, so do them. But the main point is, will we be understanding enuff and accept each other's weaknesses? Can we forgive n then forget? No one's perfect, including me. I admit tat I'm not very good at showing my emotions bcos I tend to hide it. But when I'm hurt to an extent tat I can't even control it, I'll explode, just like tat. I can stop talking to the person for weeks n mths, without telling him/her wat's wrong. It's bcos I'm not the type tat'll explain myself. However, when I've recovered, I'll be bec to normal n forget all the sadness. I've got no choice but to move on, rite?
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Sisterhood or friendship?
Y am I writing tis blog? I guess I'm really stress rite now. Everything's come crushing down on me recently, tat's y I feel like I'm suffocating. I realise tat my relationship wif my ji muiz r getting weaker n weaker. I'm trying to deny it at 1st, but it seems like I HAVE to admit it now. I suddenly felt like I dun even noe them, or can I rely on them when I nid support? It's oni time b4 we'll be complete strangers to each other.
Whenever sumthing happen to me, they dun seem to be aware of it. Even if I do put up my problems in my personal message in MSN, they will not ask me abt it. A simple question, such as "R u ok?" is enuff to make me feel happy n satisfied. But then, do they even care? Who am I kidding? Ji muiz tat I thought were the closest ones wif me, seems to be too busy wif their life now. I admit, all of us r busy wif our studies or work, but whenever I noe tat any1 of them got problems or wat, I'll surely ask them abt it n if possible, help them out. Tat is IF they ever tell me abt it. If they dun even bother to tell me, then how am I supposed to noe whether they're alrite or not?
One after another, they've dissapointed me. Even those frens tat I've just met or those tat I'm not close wif, will ask whether I'm alrite or not when they saw my personal message. But my ji muiz? Yes, if I go n talk to them abt it. Just like on 2nd of Oct, when my laptop broke down. I suddenly felt helpless n alone, wif no 1 there to help me. The first person tat I turn to is Monkey, cos he's owez there for me n he's oso good at fixing computer stuff. But then, his attitude, as if he's taking his own sweet time and 'dunno dun care', pisses me off.
Summore, Reddy n Pinky's not showing any concern at all. Instead, they plan to go out n eat buffet. I noe tat I originally intended to go out wif Flower, Stevie, and Jenny they all, but then, can't the 2 of them be more helpful? Luckily I still got Stevie, who helped me to take my laptop since it's quite heavy. Summore, Flower, Jenny, and PJ they all r willing to accompany me to Low Yat to take my laptop n then go to Acer centre. Although I do feel bad having them to wait for me, but at least I noe tat there're FRENS tat're willing to be by my side. All the while Pinky's staying over at my plc, I can't help but feel the distance between us. It's like, she talk to Reddy more than she talk to me. I felt isolated, as if Reddy's her true ji mui, not me. I'm merely a stranger tat's sharing a room wif her. Nothing more, nothing less. Talking abt Reddy? Hah, I dunno... All I can say is tat I'm fed up wif her long long time ago, including my other hsemate, Winry. I'm just too tired to be angry, nor feel anything towards them anymore. Well... sisterhood tat I've known for years, or frens tat I've barely known for more than 2 years?
Whenever sumthing happen to me, they dun seem to be aware of it. Even if I do put up my problems in my personal message in MSN, they will not ask me abt it. A simple question, such as "R u ok?" is enuff to make me feel happy n satisfied. But then, do they even care? Who am I kidding? Ji muiz tat I thought were the closest ones wif me, seems to be too busy wif their life now. I admit, all of us r busy wif our studies or work, but whenever I noe tat any1 of them got problems or wat, I'll surely ask them abt it n if possible, help them out. Tat is IF they ever tell me abt it. If they dun even bother to tell me, then how am I supposed to noe whether they're alrite or not?
One after another, they've dissapointed me. Even those frens tat I've just met or those tat I'm not close wif, will ask whether I'm alrite or not when they saw my personal message. But my ji muiz? Yes, if I go n talk to them abt it. Just like on 2nd of Oct, when my laptop broke down. I suddenly felt helpless n alone, wif no 1 there to help me. The first person tat I turn to is Monkey, cos he's owez there for me n he's oso good at fixing computer stuff. But then, his attitude, as if he's taking his own sweet time and 'dunno dun care', pisses me off.
Summore, Reddy n Pinky's not showing any concern at all. Instead, they plan to go out n eat buffet. I noe tat I originally intended to go out wif Flower, Stevie, and Jenny they all, but then, can't the 2 of them be more helpful? Luckily I still got Stevie, who helped me to take my laptop since it's quite heavy. Summore, Flower, Jenny, and PJ they all r willing to accompany me to Low Yat to take my laptop n then go to Acer centre. Although I do feel bad having them to wait for me, but at least I noe tat there're FRENS tat're willing to be by my side. All the while Pinky's staying over at my plc, I can't help but feel the distance between us. It's like, she talk to Reddy more than she talk to me. I felt isolated, as if Reddy's her true ji mui, not me. I'm merely a stranger tat's sharing a room wif her. Nothing more, nothing less. Talking abt Reddy? Hah, I dunno... All I can say is tat I'm fed up wif her long long time ago, including my other hsemate, Winry. I'm just too tired to be angry, nor feel anything towards them anymore. Well... sisterhood tat I've known for years, or frens tat I've barely known for more than 2 years?
Bad luck...
I really dunno wat's wrong wif my luck. It's very 'sui' lor... I've lost my necklace recently. It's a gold necklace tat I wear all the time wif the Kuan Yin picture on the pendant. I wear it for protection and now it's GONE!! Uwaaaaa...
Afterwards, when I was buying chicken at Giant, I cut my finger. It was bleeding n I din even realize it. When Pinky saw it, she ask me "Is tat the chicken's blood or ur blood?" I selamba oni reply "Should be the chicken's blood gua". Then, she ask me whether got pain or not, I said no. After a while, baru I realize it was indeed, my own blood. Swt~
Then, wat's more to add to my miserable life now? My laptop!! I admit tat the laptop has been a bit 'sot' recently, but I just ignore it. I wanted to buy an external disc so tat I can transfer all my files b4 I reformat the whole thing. Mana tau, when I wanna open my laptop today, it says sum stupid file is missing. WTF!!?? U've gotta be kidding me! All my previous sem's stuff, my photos, videos, and songs are gone. OMG. How am I gonna get bec all my stuff? Haiz, the day tat I'm really afraid of finally happen...
Afterwards, when I was buying chicken at Giant, I cut my finger. It was bleeding n I din even realize it. When Pinky saw it, she ask me "Is tat the chicken's blood or ur blood?" I selamba oni reply "Should be the chicken's blood gua". Then, she ask me whether got pain or not, I said no. After a while, baru I realize it was indeed, my own blood. Swt~
Then, wat's more to add to my miserable life now? My laptop!! I admit tat the laptop has been a bit 'sot' recently, but I just ignore it. I wanted to buy an external disc so tat I can transfer all my files b4 I reformat the whole thing. Mana tau, when I wanna open my laptop today, it says sum stupid file is missing. WTF!!?? U've gotta be kidding me! All my previous sem's stuff, my photos, videos, and songs are gone. OMG. How am I gonna get bec all my stuff? Haiz, the day tat I'm really afraid of finally happen...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
