Emotions...

Right now, I'm mixed up wif all sorts of emotions. But then, I feel like I'm losing my emotions at the same time. All the bad memories tat I've ever had came flashing back to me. I have to say tat I'm a very sensitive person, though u all might not be aware of it. Even a short sentence or remark can make me feel sad, not to mention HURT. However, I'll try not to show any sarcacism or fight bec bcos I dun wanna hurt anybody in return. So, I'll just keep everything to myself.

Days after days, years after years, I'm confining myself more n more. I've built up a high wall ard myself, where I can't simply trust anybody. Being betrayed by a fren ONCE is enuff for me to just trust any1, especially those tat I've just met. There're times tat I've managed to break the wall, thinking tat there's no use even if I do tis. However, whenever I'm hurt, I'll build up the wall ard myself again, oni each time it's even higher than b4.

After I've come to KL, I realise tat I've changed. Maybe it's bcos of the ppl tat I've met here? Maybe bcos my ji muiz have changed? Or maybe bcos I've learnt my lessons being exposed to tis harsh world? There's no definite answer for this. I myself oso dunno abt it.

Thinking bec, I feel like 1 of my ji muiz' attitude towards me changed bcos of an incident. It was almost CNY at tat time. Both of my close ji muiz r thinking of holding a CNY gathering bcos they really wan 2 meet up wif other frens. I'm not looking forward to it bcos I'm not very close wif the others anyway. But seeing the 2's eager face makes me wanna help them. So, I've opened my stupid mouth n offer my plc for them to hold the gathering. They exclaimed happily n thank me for tat. Ooooh, I'm very glad tat they're smiling now.

However, wat happen was tat.. On the exact day of the gathering, not oni they reached my hse late, but they've oso brought bad news. 1 of them said tat she will have to leave for a couple of hours n return to my plc when she's done. Then, another arrived n said tat she, too, will have to leave for a while. I'm like.. BLANK. Wat am I supposed to do wif all the guests? I barely know them, except for their names. I admit, I'm not as popular as the 2, but I'm holding tis gathering for both of them. Y can't they tell me earlier so tat I can postpone the gathering to another day where we can truly enjoy ourselves? During tat time, they've just put 2 knives rite thru my heart. I'm bleeding profusely, but I din tell both of them. All I can do is show my sulky n unhappy face. Screw it, I dun care wat they'll think anymore. I'm too HURT to think of the consequences.

When both of them leave, another 2 of my ji muiz, Snowy and Octopy, abandoned me there as well, rite at my own hse. I felt helpless n alone, none of my ji muiz r wif me. Not to mention tat some of the guests even asked me abt my parents. They're wondering y my parents r not there when I'm holding an open hse? YYYYEEEESSSS!!! They've just added several fresh wounds to my heart, making me feeling even more down n sad. Wanna noe y? Bcos my dad simply love his money more than his family. Even during CNY, he insisted on opening the shop bcos he simply cannot let go of all those bloody MONEY!! I noe tat he's earning money for the sake of his family, but can't he just take a few days off to be wif us? Sigh... Nevertheless, I still love him. He's my dad afterall.

My mom, my beloved mom, is already suffering enuff as she is. She have to manage the business and take care of the family, as well as facing other problems, such as health. Tat's y eventhough she call me each nite when I'm at KL, I won't say tat she's bothering me or wat bcos she, just like me, r feeling lonely. She just needed sum1 to be there for her, to talk to her n to share all her problems. She, on the other hand, r doing her part as my mom, the one tat I can truly trust wif my problems, the one tat is blood-related to me and will never betray me. If not bcos of my mom, I dun even wan to go bec home. I dun want to be reminded of all those ugly memories I had there.

From tat incident, I start to feel the distance between me n my ji muiz. Oh wait, did I tell u all tat I've oso failed 1 mid-term paper bcos of 1 of them? Ahh, nvm... All I noe is tat I feel like I've wasted a lot of time n effort for them n yet, they din even show the same concern towards me.

Different ppl will have different point of view. I myself will have my own problems, so do them. But the main point is, will we be understanding enuff and accept each other's weaknesses? Can we forgive n then forget? No one's perfect, including me. I admit tat I'm not very good at showing my emotions bcos I tend to hide it. But when I'm hurt to an extent tat I can't even control it, I'll explode, just like tat. I can stop talking to the person for weeks n mths, without telling him/her wat's wrong. It's bcos I'm not the type tat'll explain myself. However, when I've recovered, I'll be bec to normal n forget all the sadness. I've got no choice but to move on, rite?